Who's A Scary Fear Demon?

I've been thinking a lot lately about fear, my relationship with it, and how much I've let it control my life. How much I'm letting it control my life. It's easy when we reach a comfort zone to just want to wallow there, safe and warm, not moving from our little bean bag chair of life. I guess there's a reason they call it a comfort zone, right? But recently I've been confronted with some of my fears and my default reactions and I am so disgusted with what I see. In many ways I consider myself a strong woman. My mother did not raise her daughters to be weak. Sure, I have my self-confidence issues, who doesn't? But there are certain areas of my life where I feel like I constantly fail and therefore I go in to those situations almost looking for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I have recognized that it's not the current situation making me feel that way but prior situations. Still, I find myself falling in to the same old patterns of reacting the same way I always do. And I shouldn't. It's not fair to me, nor to anyone else involved. I am not the same person I was and they are not the people from before. I've been struggling with being honest and true to myself and I think I've done a fairly good job. But one wrong step and I start living in my head and I am back to being that same scared person. Now, I have been telling myself that this situation is in God's hands and when I can really focus on that it's better. I give myself a pep talk and I feel like I've conquered the fear. But it is a struggle. It's gotten to the point where I get so angry at myself that I want to back out of the situation, just to put myself back in to my comfort zone. But what good will that do me? I won't have overcome my fear and I won't have grown and I'll hate myself even more for letting the fear win. But how do I move past it? It feels like an uphill battle, or that for every step forward I take two back. I know I need to take control back. I know I need to grab the fear with both hands and throw it away from me in to an endless pit so it can never come back. But maybe, in a way, I'm afraid to lose the fear. Because the fear is also my comfort zone. I can put up a wall and not get hurt and not feel like a disappointment. I am comfortable in my fear. But I don't want to be. I want to be uncomfortable in my fearlessness. Every time I step out of that comfort zone, even just a little bit, I find it's not so scary. I need to carry that with me, nurture it inside me until it grows so big and so strong that there is no more room for the fear. Trust me, I've been praying constantly to God about this, asking for help, needing to stop being the way I am. Finally last night I pulled a book off the shelf that I reach for once in a great while when I need to be comforted. I turned to the chapter on Joy and read this: "Joy and worry can't coexist. It's that simple. In fact, a good definition of joy is the 'absence of worry.' And what makes us worry is not knowing the outcome of a situation we're going through." (Blessings From the Other Side, by Sylvia Browne) And reading that something clicked for me. My fear is based in not knowing and my fear is based in assumption, assuming that this will be like every situation before. Not knowing how it will turn out. I like to be in control. I like having an idea, even if it's vague, of where my life is going. I hate not knowing. Not knowing causes me to start living in my head and overthinking. Overthinking causes me to live in fear. Fear makes me overdramatic and a pain in my own ass. It's time for me to break the cycle. It's time for me to make a new comfort zone. I know it won't be easy but I'm determined to do it. Every time I find myself slipping in to old patterns and reactions I need to stop myself, breathe, and then mentally slap or shake myself. I don't imagine the fear will ever permanently go away, but as long as I can overcome it and as long as I have the ability to look back and say, "Not today, fear, not today" I think I'll be alright.