Hello my faithful readers. This is a blog I've been wanting to write for a while, pretty much ever since I made the decision to quit my job. I just haven't known how. So finally I figured I'd take a look back at a little over a week in to my life without Target and see how it's going.
But first, let me talk a little bit about what led to the decision. I won't lie, there were things going on that were causing me to be unhappy, things that I won't go in to here because I've tried to leave them behind me. But the stress that those things were causing me was one of the factors I considered when I wrestled with myself over whether or not to leave. See, I had actually had this idea in the back of my head since about halfway through my last semester. When I would be so tired after coming home from work that I couldn't focus on homework or when I was struggling just to finish the reading before class knowing that I hadn't retained anything or when I would walk in to Biblical Greek and have to tell my professor that I hadn't finished the assignment because I had run out of time, those are the times when the idea would pop up: "What would it be like if I didn't have to balance a full time job and full time school?" Then I would push it to the back of mind and soldier on, because that's what I had done for the three semesters prior to this. But I couldn't quite the shake the idea. Then the semester was over and I was able to rest and put a lot of my focus towards my Celtic Spirituality class and the trip to Scotland we were taking. I came back from those 10 days away, had a day to recover, worked the next 9 days in a row, and then was off again on a Middle School Mini Mission Trip to the Adirondacks with the church I am doing my supervised ministry at. I got back from that and woah, now it was mid July. School was starting in just over a month. And the soul searching began. I kept remembering how I felt the last semester (when I received a promotion to team lead) and the struggle-filled balancing act I had gone through. I remembered what it felt like to focus on something that had to do with my career and my current internship (for lack of a better word). I remembered all the stresses I had felt during the summer. I thought ahead to the upcoming semester, and realized it would be worse than the previous one because I was adding basically another part time job on to the full time job and the full time school. I prayed and thought and thought and prayed. I came close to crying almost every day and every time I thought I had it figured out one way I would immediately start figuring out why the other way would work better. I told a couple close friends and one of my sisters what I was considering, mostly just to see if I was being an idiot. And then I made the hard decision to quit my job.
There was a sense of relief. There was a sense of sadness (I had been there almost 6 years). And then, my last week there, came the panic. Oh God, what did I do? I just did away with my steady income. I have no one to lean on, no one to support me. I will admit, the panic has not been helped by the people who ask what I'm going to do now. I immediately start assuming I'm a complete fuck-up since I have no other job and am not actively looking for one. At this point why would I jump in to another job when part of the point of leaving was so that I had time to focus on school?
So I have had to constantly take breaths and remind myself why I left. I already feel the change just in this first week. There isn't a nagging worry about what's going on at work when I'm not there. I don't wake up wondering if anyone besides me will show up or will I have to open late or close early. I don't have to have this constant cloud of work hanging over me while I'm trying to do homework or while I'm in class. I don't sit at work wishing I could be doing homework. I don't feel guilty if I take some time for me. I have the luxury of being able to spend a couple hours on homework and not have to get up extra early or stay up late. I'm not trying to concentrate on reading while on the bus or in my office where I can still hear what's going on in the break room. And I know once I start my supervised ministry in earnest how lucky I will feel to be able to focus on the discernment process of where my future may lie. Honestly I think my only danger right now is making sure I don't get too lazy and get sucked in to hours of YouTube. (It's happened). On a personal level, I also want to make sure that the three days I have off in a row are not three days of my not leaving the apartment except to get my mail. (Yeah, that happened too Friday and Saturday)
So how has my first week been? Pretty good. I see where the adjustments still need to be made. In fact, I'm contemplating writing out a detailed timed schedule for every day so the YouTube incident doesn't happen again. I still of course panic almost every day about money, but it's coming less and less. Now, I don't mean to say this is a decision everyone should make. I had to really examine what was going to be bests for me personally, emotionally, spiritually and healthwise. At the end of the day I put my well-being over having money to splurge on expensive makeup or a trip to Germany (which I am still wracking my brain trying to figure out how to make that happen). I know this next school year will be a lot of ups and downs. I'm sure I will periodically question if this was the best decision. But all I can do is trust in God. God has always taken care of me and I have to have faith that will continue to happen. As a worrier this is not always easy for me, but I have faith in myself that I can do this. If you're reading this, continue to support me. That really helped when I started telling people. Almost everyone I spoke to, even if they were sad about me leaving work, understood and supported what I had to do. And that means the world when you make a major life changing decision on your own. You can support me by praying for me, sending good thoughts my way, listening if I feel like I'm starting to panic, loving me as I continue on this journey.
I'm so glad you made the choice that will,ultimately, make it easier to do what you love.
ReplyDeleteI agree with so much of what you wrote here, having experienced (and continuing to experience!) pretty much the same stuff. I naively expected life post-Target to be a blissful stress-free journey to find myself. As it turns out, my life now is as stressful or more so than my full time job. But the difference is that now the stress is on my terms. I've welcomed this stress into my life because it's part of something I love. While I liked many different parts of my job at Target, and many of the people I worked with, I didn't love any part of that job. All the stress was bad stress.
I think you made the right choice to quit during nice weather. It makes the whole leaving your apartment thing much easier! Even just getting out to take a walk makes such a huge difference on your well-being. While my post-Target mid-winter hibernation was, in some ways, deeply healing, it was not the most holistically healthy use of my time.
Following a path presented to you by God can be horrifying. But you're already succeeding on it. I know that if you keep going and keep trusting and keep asking for help (from people and God!), you'll have nothing to worry about. And I, for one, will totally be sending you love and happiness and good vibes :)
P.S. now we totally have to look for free (or mostly free!) stuff to do in the city!