Blogmas Day 3 (A Very Late Day 3)

I keep waiting for someone to figure out my secret. How much longer can I hide it? When will someone discover what is deep down inside of me? I guess I should just say it before someone finds out.

I, Summer Sattora, am pretending to be an adult.


I'm pretty sure mentally and emotionally I haven't really aged much past 16, maybe 20 on a good day. When I do "adult" things like cook dinner or pay bills or not cry in public I feel like I'm faking it. I still want my mom to make appointments for me. Lately I find that on days when I don't have to leave my apartment I don't even want to change out of my pajamas or shower. And yet, I'm 38. I'm supposed to adult, and in theory be pretty good at it. But I'm not. I suck at it.

Maybe it's because I worked for years in retail, which in the eyes of society is not a "real job." I am not married. I don't have kids. I don't know how to drive. I live in a studio apartment. I like pizza and hot dogs for dinner. I feel like if I'm an adult, shouldn't I at least have a car? A one bedroom apartment, if not a house? Or at least have been in a serious enough relationship that I would've lived with a man by now, or at least had one stick around longer than a few months?

So there you have it. Whatever the girl version of "man-child" is, I feel like that's me. I don't want to have to decide between paying my Internet bill or buying a bunch of movies off of Amazon. I want someone to make dinner for me and keep junk food around so I don't have to think about it. I don't want to clean (oh, wait, I don't).

Am I the only one? Are there other people out there who feel the same way? Or is that the great secret of adulthood, that nobody feels like one? Are we really just a bunch of teenagers and 20-somethings pretending that we're more mature and put together than we really are? Actually, in some ways, I don't know if I even want to adult. Or at least what I think adulting is. I know soon enough school will be over and I will embark on an actual career. Maybe I'll feel like I have things together by then. Or maybe I'll stop worrying about what I "should" be doing as an adult, and embrace my version of adulting. It seems to be working so far I think. I can fake it til I make it. Or not. Whatever. Leave me alone! Mom, will you pick me up some chips and pizza? I'll be in my room.

Blogmas Day 2

Thoughts on the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show

I have never seen the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. There, I said it. Whew, feels good to get that off my chest!! I mean, I was aware of it. I knew that in some circles it was a really big deal. I just never watched it. I think my main reason was "Why do I want to watch a bunch of beautiful models parade around in skimpy lingerie?" Or I was working or there was something else on opposite or really, who knows. But mainly, the low-self-esteem side of me had no desire to watch and potentially feel worse about herself.

So, Summer, what changed?

Well, dear reader, let me tell you. I have no idea. Part of it may be that I started following Gigi Hadid on Instagram and Snapchat this past year, and she is one of the models. Part of it may be that one of the beauty influencers I follow was invited backstage of this year's show and all of her snaps on Snapchat got me intrigued. Maybe part of it was that I like Lady Gaga. I really don't know. I just know that this year I decided to see what all the hoopla was about.

I will admit, before I get in to my thoughts, that as someone exploring their feminist side I don't know how I'm "supposed" to feel about this show. Should I be outraged at this sexualization of women, at these unattainable figures and standards of beauty? Or should I embrace women embracing their sexuality and saying if they've got it why not flaunt it? I would. I just don't know. It's one of the most confusing parts of feminism: cover up the female figure and take off the makeup or embrace our sexuality and don't be afraid to show off your body? Way too much for me to go in to here, especially since my mental energy is almost zilch with it being the last week of the semester. So let me get to my thoughts on the show....

I wasn't overwhelmed by it. I don't know what I was expecting, perhaps to be dazzled and blown away, but I wasn't. That being said, I wasn't bored. I was afraid I would be. It was fast moving though and, surprise surprise, I actually had heard of the musicians performing! I realized quickly that it's not so much about showing off lingerie, it's about drama. A lot of times you couldn't even see the lingerie under all the other stuff they were wearing: coats and feathers and wings and headdresses and jewelry and socks and shoes. They weren't being provocative, they were wearing costumes. And I thought for sure they would make a much bigger deal about the fantasy bra. Actually, what I liked most was the model interviews. I never knew that becoming an Angel or being picked to walk the show was such a big deal. They showed one model (whose name escapes me) wearing her wings for the first time for what I assume was a commercial or photo shoot and crying. She was so overwhelmed about actually going through something she had dreamed about that she couldn't control her emotions. My favorite though had to be Gigi Hadid. From my understanding she has walked the show before and this year she was able to walk it with her younger sister Bella. During her interview as she talked about getting to do this with her sister, something they had both dreamed about as little girls, she also couldn't control her emotions and was tearing up. While my sisters and I can't relate to this specific life goal, I do know what it is like to share something that is important to you with those you love. Okay, sure, maybe it was being at a Christmas Eve service for the first time since we were kids, but I still get it.

It's very easy to look down on those who model. We make assumptions about who they are or what their life is like. It's even easier to do when that woman is a lingerie model. I prefer to give them the benefit of the doubt. I would never have the self-confidence to walk down a runway in underwear and heels, no matter what my body looked like. I don't have the discipline to work out like these girls do. And I don't have the discipline to eat the healthy foods they must need to eat to stay that slim. But I'm also not getting paid to be a Victoria's Secret model. Are there unrealistic standards in the runway model world? Definitely. Are there unhealthy practices going on? Definitely. I saw a couple women who looked on the verge of scary skinny. But I also saw women doing what they love. I saw nerves before they went on stage and the excitement they felt coming off stage. I did see racial diversity, although not enough. I would love to some day see more diversity in body types. Ashley Graham would KILL it on that runway!! But I choose, as a woman, to celebrate other women. I try not to put down my fellow gender, we get enough of that already in our culture.

So, in a nutshell, it was interesting. I still feel just as good about myself after as I did before. I would hope that if I had a daughter we could use the show as a starting topic for body confidence and body types. I couldn't tell you a thing about the lingerie but there were some very pretty wings and one awesome pair of boots. And let's be kind to each other ladies, yeah?

Blogmas Day 1

"Day 1? But Summer, isn't this the 5th of December? Doesn't Blogmas usually start on the 1st?"
"Yes, dear reader, this is true. But I didn't think I wanted to do this until yesterday. So...."

Now that the fact that I'm a procrastinator/late starter is out of the way, let's get started!

Christmas Tree Envy

I love decorating for Christmas. If not the day after Thanksgiving then usually the weekend after I put on some Christmas music and put out all the decorations. Then that night I'll sit on the couch by the lights of the Christmas decorations and watch my first Christmas movie of the season.  This year it's been going a little differently. My mom stores my decorations so I've been getting them a little at a time and as of today I still have one more box to unpack and put up. So I've been getting my kicks walking up and down the street looking at the decorations others have put up. I love looking at the lights and wreaths and even sometimes those ridiculous blow-up decorations. I love seeing white lights around porch railings and electric candles in windows. I love seeing lights strung along a fence or in a front yard tree. Living in an apartment, I don't have a yard to decorate or even an outside. I don't have a balcony. So I have to live vicariously through other people's decorations. But one thing I've been loving the most this year? Christmas trees.

Not to sound like a creeper, but the thing I love most is getting a peek inside someone's window at their Christmas tree. Now, before you start calling 911, I will clarify that since I do a lot of walking I can't help but see through open windows at night to the lights of a tree in a corner or placed in the center of said windows. And no, I don't just stop on the sidewalk and stare. Please, I have places to go! Cats to see! In fact, there's a joke in my family that whenever someone moves in to a new place the first thing we do is figure out where the Christmas tree should go. (Seriously. My youngest sister moved about a month ago. She'll tell you.) Then I come home to my studio apartment and as I open the door I send out a wish that I won't find my little two foot tree fallen over. When you have a studio apartment there's not always a lot of space for an actual Christmas tree, so for the past few years I've put up a very small tree. I can't just not have a tree! Last year when it came out of storage it was missing one of the feet. So unfortunately this means that it is balanced precariously with something holding up the third side and therefore it is all too easy for the cats (well, one of the cats) to knock it over. I'm not even sure I'll put decorations on it, although it's pre-lit so at least there's that. All of this is to say that when I get to see a big, well lit, well ornamented tree I have a minute of tree envy. I have a box of tree decorations I can't use, although I hang on to them in the hope that some day I will have more space and a bigger tree.

I guess until that "some day" I'll have to make do with drooling in envy over other people's trees. So if you see someone standing outside your house, hands clasped before her heart, tears spilling out of her eyes, leave her be. She's just staring at your Christmas tree, remembering the trees of her past and dreaming of the trees of her future.