What constitutes a lasting relationship? I sure as hell don't know. Does anyone? It seems that love is something we are all striving for, something we all want an outline for. After all, aren't there countless books and magazine articles and online posts trying to give us some insight? I admit, whenever my Glamour magazine shows up and I see there's an article on relationships it's one of the first things I read. Whenever I'm in a relationship I devour every online article I come across on Facebook hoping to see signs saying the man I'm with is The One. Conclusion? Nobody knows what they're talking about. If they did I'm pretty sure I would not be sitting here at the age of 36 with no boyfriend, having never even come close to marriage or having never even lived with a man, still reeling from a breakup I did not see coming. But if nothing else being single more than taken over the years has allowed me to sit back and really soul search about what I'm looking for in The Future Mr. Summer Sattora. I think it boils down to reality over fantasy.
Who doesn't love fantasy? (I mean more along the rom-com romance novel line. not Fifty Shades. This is not that kind of blog.) What girl doesn't swoon when the cars pull away and Jake Ryan is standing there, leaning against his car, waiting for Samantha? Who hasn't cried at the end of Never Been Kissed? Who hasn't sighed a little when the absolutely smoking hot guy just seems to get and understand the quirky not-so-popular or not-so-attractive girl? You get what I'm saying. We are led to believe that when we find The One our eyes will meet, the world will fade away, and we will instantly know this person on a deeper level that we can't even explain to other people. Our dating life will be a montage ending in a beautiful wedding and laughter and forever. And I call bullshit. Oh, sure, I'm sure for some people this is how they met their partner. I concede that for some people some or all of what I just wrote is true for them. But for a lot of people, based on my observations, that isn't how it happens. I think it's good to have the fantasy and the daydream. Sure, I've spent many a minute on my bus ride to work fantasizing about Ryan Paevey coming to Rochester and being instantly taken with me. But at the end of the day I know it's not real, and that's okay. Having the fantasy helps me, as a hopeless/hopeful romantic, keep the dream alive. It helps me to not give up when everything inside me is telling me I should.
But at the end of the day, as much as Jake Ryan makes me swoon, I want real. I don't want a lightning bolt or an instant connection. (I mean, really, has anyone seen an episode of The Bachelor?) I want to look at a man and say "I can see myself building a future with you. I can see us growing from where we are now and enjoying getting to know each other. I see us laughing and fighting and crying and supporting and loving and being annoyed and everything that you do and feel with a person for the next fifty or sixty years." That is sexier and more romantic to me than any rom-com moment. But then again, maybe that's my version of the fantasy and it doesn't exist. I mean, I actually thought I kind of had that and it turned out I was really wrong and that he was looking for the fantasy not the reality. He wanted all-consuming and I didn't. He wanted can't live can't breathe without you instant love. I wanted let's be our own people and enhance each other with our differences love. I wanted to be pushed out of my comfort zone and he wanted to stay in his. It sucks, but at the end of the day, I guess he was right to end things. If we both have different ideas of "the fantasy" then how are we going to come together in "reality?"
Then again, maybe when you find The One it's a melding of these two. Maybe there's an instant connection but you still feel the room to grow. Maybe you find a way to spend massive amounts of time together and yet still be individual. Maybe he sweeps you off your feet and then the next week he sweeps your apartment. Like I've said, clearly I don't know what goes in to a perfect lasting relationship. I guess it must be that elusive "it factor" that people who are in love can't explain they just know it's there. I just know I want something that will grow in to a marriage, not a wedding. And there's enough fantasy in me to keep the hope of the reality alive for now. So I'll cry my tears, get myself confident in myself and my singleness again, and then give it another shot. One thing being in seminary has taught me is that I need to learn to take chances and I need to be open. It's okay to not know where I'm going and to trust in the journey, even if I struggle with that at times. And I guess ultimately I keep coming back to a lyric from the song "When The Right One Comes Along" (which is my wedding song. Yes I have my wedding song picked out. Don't judge.) I'll end this blog post with it and put it out to the universe as a reminder that all the lists and must-haves and can't-haves in the world won't matter when I finally get it right:
"You think you know what you're looking for til what you're looking for finds you."
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