As You Wish?

Am I too nice a person? I'm sure some of you reading that statement that know me are thinking yes and I'm sure there are others of you reading that statement that know me that are thinking no. But it's a question that's been on my mind the past few days and one I don't have the answer to. It goes hand in hand with another question I don't have the answer to either: Should I stop being so nice?

Those of you that know me in my work life are very likely to say that I am not necessarily a nice person. I mean, I am, but there's definitely a bitter, cynical, jaded streak to me that has grown over the almost twenty years of retail/customer service that I have endured. I've seen favortism, people getting away with being nasty, people taking advantage of the system, people playing the system, and I'm looking at both employees and customers. It's gotten to the point where I find it hard to give anyone the benefit of the doubt and I assume the worst in most situations. I don't necessarily like it, and I know it can make me a bitch, but that is my reality.

Then we get to my personal life. It's pretty much the complete opposite there, especially with people I care about. I find myself giving second (or third or fourth or....) chances to people who blow me off or break plans or screw me over. I look for the good in those around me and truly believe it's there, even when other people are telling me it's not. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in not rocking the boat when someone tells me they'll hang out with me and then at the last minute cancels or I don't hear from them. I come up with excuses for behavior and try to find the meaning and true reason behind what may just be someone being an ass or playing me. And I don't necessarily like it. I can feel taken advantage of. I can feel stupid for believing someone is different then others see them. I wonder why I have to be so nice.

It feels at times like there's two Summer's. (Okay, sometimes like there's a lot more, but that's a blog for another time.) I wonder sometimes if I should switch the two mes and be nice sweet kind forgiving Summer at work and bitter mean Summer in my personal life. Or maybe I just need to meld the two, like Victor Garber and Robbie Amell did in The Flash. (My nerdiness is failing me because the coffee hasn't kicked in and I'm totally blanking on their character names.) If I could somehow be less cynical at work and more unforgiving in my personal life then maybe a happy medium could be reached.

I've actually been working on being nicer at work and I know it sounds odd to say it's a struggle, but it can be depending on the day. Habits are hard to break and there's a default setting that I all too easily fall back in to. I get easily annoyed and get short with people. I assume people are treating me with disrespect. I assume people look down on the area I work in and it makes me automatically put up a wall and keep them at a distance with my words and my attitude. But I was recently called out on it and I'm making an effort. If you deal with me in a work setting, please be patient. Offer a gentle reminder, or maybe occasionally just check in and make sure everything's okay. Sometimes the attitude has nothing to do with work. But I am trying.

It's harder being a bitch in my personal life. It's harder to look at someone and write them off. It's hard to not continuously make an effort to build a connection with someone, even if I know I'm likely to get rejected or ignored. I feel like I should maybe put up more of a wall than I already have just so I can stop so easily getting hurt. But I know there already is a wall up and I know that combined with my being an introvert it would be all too easy to just stay in my little bubble. So I guess maybe I've answered my own question: Am I too nice? Probably but I don't think I want to change that. I look at the person I could so easily become and I don't like her. I know that I get hurt. I know I get taken advantage of. I know others around me are looking at me and thinking I'm a fool. But being true to me means I give those second (and third and fourth and....) chances sometimes. I'm going to work on putting up a boundary and knowing where my limit with some people has to be. And maybe others will just have to deal with the fact that personal life Summer is a little bit too nice. All I ask is that you don't take advantage of it and help me with my boundaries. Don't make a plan if you think there's a chance you'll break it. Don't think that just because I say it's okay that it really is. Maybe just walk away if you're thinking that you can treat me however you want just because I'll forgive you. And maybe ask yourself if that good I see is really there and if so how you can live up to that.