Can love really win?

My friends, I am hurting tonight. As I'm sure many of you are also. I am sitting here in the dark with so many thoughts chasing each other in my head that I'm hoping that maybe by putting some of them down I can lift this heaviness from my mind and my heart. Orlando. An attack on the LGBTQ community. The aftermath.

Where do I begin? Maybe I'll start with privilege. You can be aware of the privilege you have as someone who fits in to the "normal" or "ideal" stereotype. Generally, we lift up white heterosexual male as the ultimate in privilege. I know that being a woman, especially one who is cis, white, and heterosexual, gives me a privilege, although not as great as the aforementioned male. But it's not often that I am as completely aware of it as I am tonight. Especially being cis and heterosexual. Sure, if I pass a group of guys on the street there is the immediate fear of "what if they catcall or say something rude/offensive/inappropriate to me?" But I don't have to be afraid that if I'm dating someone and we're walking down the street holding hands or having dinner together that we run the risk of being bullied or beaten. I don't need to be so worried about looks, glances, stares, comments, innuendos when I'm out in public that it becomes easier to just stay at home. I don't have to hide who I am. The world is pretty much designed for me and I don't need a club to be a safe space. I don't need to now live in fear that even that is no longer a safe space.

I have always considered myself an LGBTQ ally, even in high school. As a church kid, particularly a Catholic one, I always struggled with the idea that loving someone of the same sex was wrong or a sin or worthy of hell. I know that in some ways I can be naïve or even uneducated, but I truly can't comprehend hating someone simply because they don't love or aren't sexually attracted to someone of the opposite gender. I can't understand hating someone who says I was born in the wrong body, born with the wrong gender. I've never understood how following a man who preached love for everyone, especially the marginalized, means you think you can turn around and do the exact opposite. I don't know what it's like to live with that fear or that hatred or that persecution, but I grieve with and for the LGBTQ community.

I'm sorry, I feel like none of this is coming out quite right. I am hurting over what people are trying to turn this tragedy in to. They are pulling focus from what it is, a hate crime, and using it to push their own agenda. Look at what other atrocities are happening in the world every day that you don't pay attention to! We think the shooter had ties to ISIS so clearly we need stronger immigration laws! The shooter used an automatic weapon so clearly we need more gun control! This isn't just an attack on the LGBTQ community it's an attack on all of us! STOP!!!! Don't you see that what you are doing demeans and lessens what happens? It's like you're saying that this terror attack didn't count for anything. It's like you're saying it wasn't a horrible horrible thing because.... I don't know. What, it wasn't bad enough for you? What would have made it worthy of being a tragedy all on its own? Why does it need to be a stepping stone for something else? (Is this making sense?)

And one of the most painful and sickening things for me as a Christian and a seminary student, is when I see comments from Christians who claim that is was a just punishment from God. That God wanted that shooter to walk in to that club. That this is karma or deserved because clearly God hates gays. This is not the God I love. This is not the God I worship. This is not the God I follow. My God has been weeping since the early hours of Sunday morning. My God has welcomed his children home.

I keep seeing the phrase "love wins" everywhere on social media. This is not a new phrase to me, and it's one I normally believe in whole heartedly. But tonight, sitting in the dark, not too long after attending an ecumenical prayer service, I am struggling. I want to believe. I don't know if I can right now. It seems like every time I hop on social media lately (even before Sunday) I am bombarded with negativity. People are being anything from catty to outright vicious and hateful to whoever it is they're following or other fans. People are single-mindedly pushing their own views and beliefs without any room for discussion. The few times I try to watch the news it feels like nothing but violence and pain and heartache and hate. And I'm tired. Tired of feeling defeated at every turn. Tired of hurting. Tired of feeling like I don't know what to do. It feels like no matter what it is it won't be enough. The world won't change. Someone will be there to tell me I should do more, praying doesn't help, you're making this about you, you're wrong, here's why you should vote for my candidate. Help me know what to do. How do I support the LGBTQ community? Have I done enough? Do I back off? Is this even my fight? Should I even post this blog? If I look at my privilege do I even have the right to be sad and tired? Am I coopting the tragedy like all those people I've condemned?

For now, I will sit in the dark a few minutes longer. Then I'll take a shower and go to bed. Maybe read a little Nora Roberts to take my mind away. I'll turn the light off and pray. And maybe tomorrow love really will win.